I did something yesterday that I know was stupid, but honestly it was so reactionary that while I could see it was wrong, I just couldn’t stop. Like a cornered animal, I just had to lash out! I recently learned that the ex-Hubs is engaged. Yup, apparently 4 days after our divorce was final he is engaged.
It isn’t as if I want him back, it isn’t that I care that much about what he is doing in his life, and as far as I am concerned she can have him; but this waive of embarrassment and fear washed over me and I was on fire. Wait, wait…here comes the DUMB part. I called him. Yup, I can literally feel you all shaking your head at me!
I just felt so disrespected that she would post on social media and he wouldn’t warn me. I felt so embarrassed that 17 years of being together was being cast aside so easily. I felt this wave of fear about what people must be thinking or saying about me. A couple of things,
- I know this is completely irrational
- I know that posting on social media is what people do with their life. Hello, it’s what I am in school for!
- I know that he has absolutely no reason to share anything about his life with me, as I do not need to share my life with him
Yet, none of this mattered! In the moment all I could think is that I was feeling hurt and angry. I was feeling embarrassed and afraid. I was feeling shame and inadequacy.
Well, of course I got fed a load of crap! “I still think about you and our life everyday”, “I wish I could go back and rewind time”, “I just keep making huge mistakes”…blah, blah, blah!
I hung up the phone and felt absolutely no better. Why? Well, I didn’t need anything from him. I didn’t need him to apologize or empathize, I didn’t need him to say how much he wished things were different, I didn’t need to hear any of it! Instead, I needed to understand why I was feeling the way I was, and by talking to him all I did was show him that he still had an affect on me.
So, here is the reality. I hate the feeling of a “failed” marriage, of not being a “wife” and of not being in the place that I worked hard to build for myself. I feel shame over the fact that I couldn’t do anything to save my marriage and that people see me as someone who got “dumped”. I feel not good enough and unable to trust and I hate that I feel these things because it makes me appear weak (at least in my head).
All this being said, I came away with a couple huge lessons. One, give it the 24 hour rule (thanks Dad!). Second, I need to get over thinking or worrying what people “think” about me, mostly because the way I think they are thinking about me isn’t even correct.
So, I ask all of you…What do you do to let go of the worry of people’s perception of you or your assumption of what others think?
Here is a video by one of my life mentors…Mel Robbins