downloadI have quite literally pulled up my blog to write a post 6 times. Each time my eyes meet the blank page, and I too go blank. I feel this total feeling of nothingness wash over me. I don’t know what to write about, I don’t want to feel these emotions that are rattling around inside me, and I don’t want to write more about being sad and bring down other people.

As I face this vast ocean of unknown, I feel that heavy damp fog through to my bones. It’s a feeling that I have felt before and yet like nothing else I have ever felt before. I want to do just about anything to not feel this mix of pain and heaviness and anxiety, but I am frozen and completely numb.

So right now (if I am using the roller coaster metaphor from my last post) I am climbing the hill. I am full of trepidation but I can’t get off the ride now. I want to close my eyes and yet I want to see the plummet that lay just ahead. My heart is beating out of my chest with the anticipation and I am starting to think, “let this ride be over quick!”. It is such a mess.

imagesYXHP5DP3So for right now this is all I can write. I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what’s coming next, and I have no idea how I am going to end up when this is all over. Some days I am fine. I go through the motions and all seems totally normal. Other days the darkness engulfs me like a dense fog creeping from the valleys. Some days I forget to feel anything until I am driving home and a song comes on that makes my heart stop and memories flood my brain. I mean it takes as little as a movie recommendation on Netflix to bring back an amazing memory of a love and passion that was intoxicating, that now has become a poison for my heart.

I wrote this the other day:

Black Flies

Black flies circle around,
like I am already dead.
Spinning dizzy circles,
like the thoughts in my head.
My heart is broken,
and is wasting away.
My soul withered and rotting,
like fruit on a sunny day.
Sensing the decay,
happening from inside out.
The flies hover over,
waiting for my life’s candle to blow out.
I swat and I wave,
at the insistent flies.
As exasperated tears,
pour from my blue eyes.
I have some fight left,
though it is fading fast.
I just have to hold on,
and this moment will pass.
These flies will move on,
and find another dead.
And I will move forward,
keep on pushing ahead.

Suicide-Prevention-Is-a-Focus-in-SeptemberI hope anyone else that is going through something like this and is reading this feels a sense of comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I hope that my words, as few as they are, help someone to find their voice and see a path in front of them. Not all days are bad days after all. I have a lot of love around me; support lifting me up on days that are too heavy to get through on my own. I also have hope. I have hope that my story will still have a happy ending; that love will fill my life again and that is what keeps me going.

As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog! Though it has been a while since my last post, I appreciate all of you that continue to follow me and my story.




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