Mother’s day is a HARD day for me. I love celebrating the strong women that have molded, educated, and loved me but it is also a reminder of things that bring up a lot of pain.
My Mother’s Day was always a bit turbulent throughout the years. Wanting so badly to celebrate both my mom and my step mom was like walking a tight rope. The Breast Cancer walk was always on Mother’s Day and I felt that was such an important event to show support at but it took up a majority of the day. My mom’s happy place is at her cabin but it’s almost 3 hours away, so doing both was impossible. Choosing someone to celebrate and someone to miss out, seemed so unfair.
Then as I started my own family and we began our struggle to conceive, celebrating seemed more and more difficult. It was an inner battle to put on a happy face and give a Mother’s Day gift or card that I so longed to be the recipient of. Smiling as I thought of the many years of great mom advice, rough mom arguments, and all the moments in between but feeling broken or defective at the same time.
Next, my mother and I had a “falling out”. Sure logistics were easier but there is nothing like craving your mother or the idea you have of your mother on Mother’s Day and not being able to have that. Feeling bad that you aren’t just thankful for the relationship you do have with a parent and then adding the bad feelings of not having the mom you want in your own biological mother. Now that falling out has been healing and the relationship with the other mom is failing. I am telling you, it just isn’t a great experience!
So, Mother’s Day is over. I can breathe a little sigh of relief and while I know that my relationships aren’t where I want them and that I myself will never get the feeling of being celebrated by my child on Mother’s Day or all the other days adventures that a mom goes through, there are things to look at in a brighter light.
I am thankful for the relationships I have had with my siblings and helping to raise them. I am grateful that my husband’s daughter thinks of me enough on Mother’s Day to wish me a good one, even though we have not built a strong relationship yet (she lives in a different state and we see her very rarely). I am blessed to have 9 nieces and nephews and oodles of friend’s children to steal when I need a date to a museum or play or Disney movie. There was a long time that I didn’t feel thankful, grateful or blessed because I was focusing on what I didn’t have. What I missed out on.
So, for all those super aunties, fur baby mommies, and people that wish they were mommies like me, I hope you found something to celebrate on Mother’s Day or that you made it through without too many tears and that you too can find the silver lining to your unfortunate inability.