The Weight of the World

“It’s too hard.”

“I want to enjoy my life!”

“I am just meant to be this way.”

“I hate working out!”

“I love to bake, you can’t be a skinny baker!”weight-scale-joke-little-girls-cry

These are all things I say about my weight. And really, the list could go on. The thing is, these are not the real reasons I weigh what I do. While some of these things are true, I use my weight and that is why I stay this way.

Some of you may be confused by what I just said and some of you just had a tear run down your cheek because you realized you do the same thing. It doesn’t have to be your weight but something about yourself that keeps all things in check. It keeps a distance between you and everyone else.screen-shot-2015-02-26-at-6-03-48-am

My weight doesn’t just insulate my bones and organs (or put a strangle hold on them), it insulates me from hurt and gives me an excuse to keep people away or a reason why people don’t come near. I am a bit ashamed to even say or think this, but it is the God’s honest truth.

I have been thin. It took a lot of work, but I did it. I was proud of myself, I was slightly more confident, but people didn’t like me more or less than when I was chubby. I was stunned. I thought that my lack of “adoring fans” was simply because I was heavy. It’s not, it’s because I am scared to death that if people knew all the crazy “running with scissors” in my brain they would run away screaming, so I push them away myself. And I do this with my weight because it’s easier than confronting my mental health.images (18)

  • I use it as an excuse not to go out places or meet new people.
  • I use it as an excuse to why the Hubs doesn’t love up on me more.
  • I use it as a reason to not start something I think I will fail at.
  • I use it as a joke; a comedic relief in an situations where I feel insecure.
  • I use it to hide my anxiety, cover my depression, and explain my stagnant position in life.

It is my perfect excuse.

Well, by writing this I guess I am outing myself! It’s a terrifying and anxiety filled exhale of the truth about me. I feel naked, exposed, and relieved! Thanks for sharing in my life. Thanks for giving me enough support that I can come clean!

So, what do you “use” to keep your distance and protect yourself? What do you do to help break down that wall and let people in? What do you promise to try and allow yourself to do so that you can become the happiest version of yourself?

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3 thoughts on “The Weight of the World

  1. the incurable dreamer says:

    This post is so honest, and it was as though someone slapped me square across the face while I was reading it! I hide my depression from everyone…I mean the extent of how crippling it really is. I am a very strong person and am in pursuit of the things I have always wanted and dreamed of, but so often I sit in my car and cry and fight the demons that live inside my head, and do it all alone. Just yesterday I thought, “I don’t think I can deal with this all alone.” Thanks for inspiring me to talk about this with someone. Glad I found you!

    Like

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