Like a Record Player

This is a tough one to talk about. I am not sure if I am alone in this, I have no idea if anyone will understand what I am talking about, and I don’t know if there will ever be anything I can do to stop this. I have a record that plays in my head. This isn’t something that I talk about much. Most of the time I try to ignore it and move on. Some days, that is just not possible.

dui-of-negative-thoughts

This record is awful! I don’t even know why it says some of the things it says. For those that suffer, here I am to tell you that you are not alone. Here are some the things my sick brain says to me:

You are unloveable                 You are FAT!            You are never enough

        You wouldn’t be missed if you were gone          LOSER!

Your husband will find someone better             He’s cheating on you!

   You don’t contribute enough       LAZY!                    You are dumb       

You WILL fail.       Everyone is better at that than you       PATHETIC!

Now logically, I know that these are not true. Rationally, I understand that my brain is playing tricks on me. Too bad it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting! Too bad it doesn’t change or stop these terrible thoughts from playing on repeat in my head. I can go to bed and be totally fine and wake up wrecked by this chaotic swirl of hatred.

insecurity-quote

The other night I went to bed and had the worst dream (which is not altogether uncommon) but I woke up a broken mess. I was sobbing and so distraught over a fictional event that took place while I was laying still in bed.

In my dream (abbreviated version), the Hubs had moved in his girlfriend and told me that although I disgusted him, we needed each other financially so he was moving her in and there was nothing I could do about it.

So, of course I wake up knowing full well it was a dream BUT, it didn’t stop me from waking up my husband and telling him that I understand why he is totally repulsed by me and that I am not sure I believe him when he says he loves me. SERIOUSLY! That is how sick my brain is!!! Anyone out there feel my pain? Time to remember this:

images-32

That lesson is not an easy one to think some days, but overall it is a true statement! My brain may be ill and sometimes say some really nasty crud but overall my life is not so bad. Everyone has bad days, bad dreams, and bad self thoughts sometimes.

 

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Like a Record Player

  1. lilyayn says:

    I don’t know if this helps from me, but you’re WONDERFUL!  And everybody here loves you!  You would definitely be missed if you left our group, that’s for sure!  You’re kind, fun, and a killer cook.  🙂   Just to mention a few…   PS  I’ve had the record player before, too.  It comes and goes, but used to be much more constant.  

    From: Thompson House To: susankinyon@yahoo.com Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2017 2:10 AM Subject: [New post] Like a Record Player #yiv4678886380 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv4678886380 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv4678886380 a.yiv4678886380primaryactionlink:link, #yiv4678886380 a.yiv4678886380primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv4678886380 a.yiv4678886380primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv4678886380 a.yiv4678886380primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv4678886380 WordPress.com | thompsonhouseblog posted: “This is a tough one to talk about. I am not sure if I am alone in this, I have no idea if anyone will understand what I am talking about, and I don’t know if there will ever be anything I can do to stop this. I have a record that plays in my head. This is” | |

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  2. thompsonhouseblog says:

    Thank you so much for your kind words and your friendship! You are so sweet and your support in my blog and just being by my side as a friend is so appreciated. It is nice to hear that other people have the “record player” and that it does get better! You are such a positive person and your energy surely rubs off on me! Thanks friend!!!

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  3. michelleisle says:

    This is me totally!! I used to have dreams all the time that Paul was cheating on me, etc. I also feel “worthless” at times and hard on myself for not being skinnier and better with my money, etc., etc. Now I’m having those “what did I do so bad that my husband had to die” thoughts. UGH!!
    I think there is a lot of people that feel these things but aren’t always strong enough to admit it – so good for you!!
    You are amazing!! You are such a great friend and good listener!! Thank you for being in my life!!!

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    • thompsonhouseblog says:

      You are amazing! So funny that we are so hard on ourselves but others think quite the opposite. It’s good to know we are not alone and it’s good to say it out loud and share the tough stuff, then it loses power. Just know I love you and am always here for you.

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