This is a tough one to talk about. I am not sure if I am alone in this, I have no idea if anyone will understand what I am talking about, and I don’t know if there will ever be anything I can do to stop this. I have a record that plays in my head. This isn’t something that I talk about much. Most of the time I try to ignore it and move on. Some days, that is just not possible.
This record is awful! I don’t even know why it says some of the things it says. For those that suffer, here I am to tell you that you are not alone. Here are some the things my sick brain says to me:
You are unloveable You are FAT! You are never enough
You wouldn’t be missed if you were gone LOSER!
Your husband will find someone better He’s cheating on you!
You don’t contribute enough LAZY! You are dumb
You WILL fail. Everyone is better at that than you PATHETIC!
Now logically, I know that these are not true. Rationally, I understand that my brain is playing tricks on me. Too bad it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting! Too bad it doesn’t change or stop these terrible thoughts from playing on repeat in my head. I can go to bed and be totally fine and wake up wrecked by this chaotic swirl of hatred.
The other night I went to bed and had the worst dream (which is not altogether uncommon) but I woke up a broken mess. I was sobbing and so distraught over a fictional event that took place while I was laying still in bed.
In my dream (abbreviated version), the Hubs had moved in his girlfriend and told me that although I disgusted him, we needed each other financially so he was moving her in and there was nothing I could do about it.
So, of course I wake up knowing full well it was a dream BUT, it didn’t stop me from waking up my husband and telling him that I understand why he is totally repulsed by me and that I am not sure I believe him when he says he loves me. SERIOUSLY! That is how sick my brain is!!! Anyone out there feel my pain? Time to remember this:
That lesson is not an easy one to think some days, but overall it is a true statement! My brain may be ill and sometimes say some really nasty crud but overall my life is not so bad. Everyone has bad days, bad dreams, and bad self thoughts sometimes.