It’s amazing that one small moment can trigger a huge dark cloud to move in and settle directly overhead. Do you know what I mean? Well, that’s what happened to me last night.
As you all have heard, I have a fur-baby named Frankie of which I am totally obsessed! He is my little world. Well, he is a bit of a little asshole at school and last night took the cake! My sweet little jerk decided he didn’t like the way a golden retriever puppy was looking at his momma and went in for the kill. It was mortifying!!!
This little nuisance was so tangled up with this golden that it literally took 5 people to get them apart! Well, needless to say we were looked at like monsters and booted from the rest of class (but not allowed to leave as we needed to have a “chat” with the teacher afterwards). So as I sit on the hill with my sweet but naughty boy in shame with blood on my shirt and dripping from his nose, I could see that the cloud was coming…
There was nothing I could do. I started to feel the weight on my chest, my breathing became difficult, and the tears just kept coming! After our banishment was over, I had a nice chat with the teacher, who actually was very understanding and compassionate, but the damage was done.
Sidenote: *Frankie was not kicked out of school since the wonderful puppy families all voted that we could come back to this class, however, he is not allowed back without a muzzle. Great, just great!*
Now you may be asking, how in the world did such a small event turn into full blown depression, well, I don’t know! I can logically see that it shouldn’t! But it did, and now I am in the depths of everything being sad, dark, and lonely.
It is crazy how this depression thing can change your mind so much that everything and everyone is all the sudden against you. Now I know this is a sickness, and again I know logically that none of this is the case, but this is the feeling.
So now my dog is the bully of school, the Hubs threw his back out and is in miserable pain, and my family stinks! Well, not all of them, but a group of them that refuse to tell me why they are not speaking to me and make it a point to avoid the girl’s night I am throwing in 3 days because their lives are so “busy” but are magically able to go to my niece’s swim meet which was announced after my girl’s night was planned of which they declined also prior to this announcement, which also depresses me that I can not be a part her swim meet because I would love to be there and support her. (Wowzers, sorry for the long sentence..but again, that is how it piles on in my head. Welcome to the disaster)
Now, I have no idea if any of what I just said about these family members is true, but the depression and anxiety have turned that bit into truth in my head. It’s like being chained around your ankle and held in place as the room fills with water; you can breath but know that soon the water will be over your head and breathing / surviving is looking impossible.
So today is rough and I have no answers. I don’t know when it will end (right now it feels like never, but as my friend at TheBlogess.com says, “depression lies”). The tears keep coming, the elephant still sits perched on my chest, and my thoughts are like a bad record playing over and over all kinds of awful and sad thoughts. Today I have to just keep going, try not to let my brain think too much about the hurt, and take a deep breath. It will end….at least that is what I keep telling myself for today.
My mantra for today: “I have a lot to be thankful for, I am blessed, and my life is not so bad! Think of those in my life that are truly suffering and think of those that I have met that have so much less than I do but still find a way to be happy and fulfilled. Take a breath and let it go!”
What do you do to get through the dark days? Who helps you to remember that even in those dark moments there is light and that light will overpower the darkness again? Or what does that awful record say to you? Mine; “No one wants to take the time for you. Your family and friends only want you when you can do something for them. You are not worthy of the love you have in your life. Someone will find out what a fraud/ failure you are.” Yup, I know pretty terrible, huh?! Anyway, let that out! Tell me what it says. It is amazing what a relief it is when you tell someone and let those words out of your head. And remember…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!